Do you ever feel like your head is fractured? Like the plates of your skull are literally pulling apart. That’s the picture that comes into my head when I think about stress and anxiety.
A few years ago our family went through a very difficult season when we experienced a failed adoption. We had a toddler foster son living with us for over six months, and just before the adoption was due to go through, everything fell apart. That season was one of the hardest times of my life. Parenting that precious boy felt to me like it must feel to parent a terminally ill child. To some that may sound too dramatic or even insensitive to those who have lost biological children. All I can tell you is that is how I felt. There was so much uncertainty. Uncertainty is very hard for me. I like to “make a plan and work the plan!” Hourly we were waiting for word to confirm or deny that this baby would be ours forever. I guess I always had a sinking feeling that things weren’t going to go the way we hoped.
I remember during that season having days where I would literally daydream about escaping. I would imagine how wonderful it would be to just sit all alone in a dark, silent room for hours. It was like there was just too much noise and uncertainty spinning all around me, and I needed peace.
After we got the news that the little guy would be moving on, I spent the next few months just recovering and resting. The grief process just takes some time.
Looking back I can see how much the Lord held us during those devastating moments. He sent some wonderful people into our lives who loved us well when we really needed it. Though I felt like everything was falling apart, God was actually building strength deep inside of me. Those hard times build perseverance. I cannot say that I lived in perfect peace, but I can say that I fought hard to stay in perfect peace, and it was worth the fight!
True peace only comes through Jesus.
Stayed Upon Jehovah, Hearts are Fully Blest, Finding as He Promised, Perfect Peace and Rest. -Francis R. Havergal